“I’ll just Segway to your place when I’m ready.”
– No one, ever
The Segway was supposed to be a revolutionary way of transport, literally reinventing the wheel. It wasn’t walking and it wasn’t driving either. It was supposed to become more than just a hype or a fad but today the traffic landscapes of the world are not filled by the Segway because it was a huge flop.
When the Segway first became available for the public it had to be recalled immediately because people would fall off when the battery ran out. Even though this can be incredibly funny, it is definitely very serious as well.
This error in the machine did however cause the best thing the Segway ever gave us: Bush falling off a Segway. Yes, ex-president of the United States George W. Bush fell off a Segway. You might even argue that this even makes the Segway somewhat of a success.
But it is not. Nowadays you’ll only find Segways as the official vehicle for mall security and other sad cops or riding around touristy areas where they’re up for rent (no, the Segways don’t ride around by themselves you pedant). But even that isn’t very popular and it’s one of those things that gets forced down your throat at every tourist information shop on the corner of every fucking street in the most touristy places around the globe. Much like the Jungle Climbing Monkey something asshole Adventures and the Happy-go-sucka-Duck Hybrid car / boat tour that are eating up any charm that certain area still might have with the danger of turning it all into one big theme park.
Anyways, Segways. You look stupid riding them and they might be fun for a while until you either get bored with them, fall off of them or you when you get tired. Because you will get tired. I never rode one and I will never step foot on one (although I never rule anything out) but it doesn’t take a genius to know you will get tired. Transport is supposed to be convenient, especially motorized transport. It’s supposed to get you from A to B fast, without getting tired. If you’re on a healthy tour and you want some exercise, you might choose to take a bike or walk to your destination. A Segway fulfills neither purpose.
It’s not quick enough to be in the same class as cars or even mopeds or the pope mobile and it isn’t healthy enough to be seen as exercise, all the while still getting tired from standing on it. So it doesn’t fit in anywhere and it doesn’t really cater to anyone in that aspect. This is one of the many reasons the Segway is even less than a dead fad. It’s also extremely expensive and super awkward. The only people who ever owned a Segway for personal use were rich white people that also play golf.
Nowadays you see those stupid “hover boards” quite often that are basically a Segway without a handle. Using those things is asking for your face to meet the pavement and they look just as stupid as Segways. I hope that’s a things that’ll be less than a dead fad soon as well.
I think it’s more than reasonable to make “to Segway” a verb that’s a synonym for “to fail’ or “to be less than a dead fad”. So remember: next time your parents call you a failure, at least they’re not calling you a Segway.
To end this blog with a morbid but extremely ironic little fact: the owner of the Segway died after riding a Segway off of a cliff.